Facing 2009...

hmmm...

suddenly there are a lotta things going on my mind facing this year 2009..

i don't know is it only syndrome at the end of the year or whatsoever..

suddenly i had this flashback.. what i've done this year, what i haven't done... somehow i actually sad, maybe many things still didn't work out the way i hope this year's gonna be.. maybe i just realize that i'm not gonna spend nu years eve with my family.. especially my dad, or my mom, or my sister, or three of them.. T.T

this year, this lovely 2008, there are a lot of things to be regret, and there are much more things to be thank.. especially the big thing that happen to me recently, which is surely stay in my memory for the rest of my life..

that big thing makes this 2008 become a memorable year..

i don't know, but i guess the thing that makes me sad is that i'll pass my nu year's eve with my family... x( well, not last year, not even this year.. humm.. i chose to be with my friends this year.. i never do this before, but hey, a girl needs to grownup and realize, there are first times for everything.. and i pick this year to do it..

i'm afraid, that next year, 2009, things aren't the same anymore.. things gonna be a whole lot different from now.. i have this kinda feeling and it tortures my mind now.. why i become afraid of changes? i knew things change, people change, things gonna be different from time to time, and changes are good sometimes.. but.. now i'm scared to all of it?

of course i've been changing too.. from year to year; time, people, environment, they keep forcing me to change.. either in a good way, or maybe not a really good one..

i have this weird feeling that 2009 gonna be a hard year for me.. that's why now i even more afraid of changes..

dear God, i'm so afraid i might even cry, real hard..

Lord, i've been living 19 years, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY LIFE?

am i keep gettin better and better? am i thankful enough to my Lord? am i doing many pleasant things to the ones i loved? am i always choosing what's best for me?

i don't know and i'm not sure.. cos like i said life is a mystery...

we're only human, like what jason mraz sing..

all that we can do is try to live our life as best as we can do...

WHAT?! they're back??

amandita u are pathetic!!

uoooohhh...

*slap my face* :'3







why this butterflies keep rolling on my stomach
when i do this 'thingy' even the crush had been soo soo over years ago??





back then at some (secretly) years ago,, i did this in a very2 awkward way, the butterflies surely come out my stomach uncontrollably,, and i surely do realize that crush had been totally over years ago.. now.. the fact is..? they're back in action! ahhaha..

syid ya men.. T.T

umm,, but real-axe, i guess they only come out at this particular time only.. don't worry.. xp

humm.. enuff is enuff!

then i remember,, a bestfriend once said to me,, that a feeling for someone, or loving someone, or care about someone,, is a gift from the lord...

. . .

is that true?

well,, i'm a lil bit confused actually,, is it really something that will only come up when the lord 'let you' loving someone? isn't that something that can be work out by human control? isn't all that is about choice? if it really is, that loving someone is a gift, then our choice is always something that indirectly given or destined by the lord... (?)

mmm, i believe someday will come my time to understand this all.. =)

Thankfulness

(it supposed to be published exactly a month ago.. but oh well, here it is... )

yo!

it's actually something that i wanna write couple days after my BIG day,, but i dunno,, can't find the right words yet,, or maybe the place that inspire me a lot to write is in my kost.. since i spent most of my 'deep-feelings-time' there,, and since i just came back to this 'back-to-reality' city,, so i write it just now. wohohoo.. i think i'm much more productive in creating something--aanything-- in this place.. haha,, feels like now i'm belong here (when it comes to must-face-reality) hehehe..

enuff babbling!

well,, as you can see in this big big smile...

i survived!!

all the things that bothered me these days have finally over...

wanna know how it feels?

sweet, as i said before..
it even tastes much much more sweeter than what i thought..
i can't believe i've been through it all..
i'm so thankful to Allah, and i never feel like i thank enough to all of this gift.
haven't satisfied being thankful yet,, cos it all feels like miracle! i'm lucky, i'm gifted, and i'm blessed.

lucky,, cos this is something that everybody would say it's almost impossible! i had this tumor for all my life, and it was being recognized 3 months ago! it was quickly handled by my father and of course the professional doctors so it could be taken care by a 'God-handed' doctor from Japan, prof. Nakamura.. he did a perfect job in a perfect timing and situation. how can i not be thankful? =)

gifted,, cos i feel the love of people around me. my precious parents,, who fought this with all of their body and mind.. their prayer, mind, feelings, money, all wasted with no doubt in the name of love, deep inside from their heart, for me... dear inyok and babe, i love you... =) my beloved bestfriends,, who helped me a lot when i was facing and getting through all of this,, they cheer me up, encourage me, pray with me, whatever a friend can do they could do too.. the wonderful doctors,, i believe they did the best that they could do even it wasted their time, power and money.. my big family,, either sister, grandma, uncles, aunties, cousins etc, for all their support and prayer that indirectly but surely lead my way of succesfully through this.. and i knew i'm so thankful, cos now i know how does it feel being loved unselfishly, never expect any changes, and fully from the bottom of the heart.

blessed,, bcos i could face this 'test' with a big smile in my face, i was calm, tawakkal, and ready for almost everything at that time.. i feel no pain, no scared, and everything that i expected definitely come true. i even left the hospital with so so much thankful feelings in my heart, and it does taste sweet. reeally really sweet.

me and the main part of the saviors

me and prof. Nakamura

(me and the smile of me-JUST-got-out-from-the-ICU-room! hahha.. never have smiled that BIG!)

and since it exactly a month passed, and i feel completely healthy, happy, still thankful, hopeful and continuing my life with a big passion in my heart. hope everything goes perfectly fine every now and then, and i should never be tired to be thankful to my lord for all my life... ;)

the BIG day that i'm gonna HAVE to face . . .

meong!
i think i'm gonna have to write something here before the big day..

yea, a BIG day for me.. =s

well,, it's not really that kind of big happy happy big day actually..
maybe it's the destiny that i'm gonna HAVE to face..
yea,, i'm havin surgery this week.

shit!
i even haaaate to get involved with that S word.. =(
either sayin it or writin it,, or translate it into bahasa..
yea, whateverr it's the same..
uhhh...
it's definitely a BIG deal for me,, bcos since the day i was born, i was never ever ever everr get involved with that place againn.. hospital i mean.. and it was already how long? 19 years long. =/


since i had all the pra-"s"hitty thing treatment,, i never liked it..
in fact i hate it..
just lyin there and hang on when nothing u can ever do without anybody's help is a BIG pain in the ass. i feel weak. i feel tiny. i have no power.
and no no noo i never liked bein' weak. feels like suicide men..
it totally breaks my heart.

i'm kinda person that tend to like to help people, not being helped.
that's why.
maybe we're sorta talkin bout ego here.. =\

well, this shitty thing is actually not something that i like to share with others,, bcos i am down enuff with the fact that i have a tumor intraorbital, and i don't need anybody's symphathy to make me feel worst.
i hate being weak in front of people. i hate bein unnormal between everybody who's seems to enjoy their fabulous life..

i know this is my destiny that i have to face, sooner or later,, bcos in fact it was genetic,, not something that show up in a mean time..
i really am tryin my best here,, i try and try to stand up and hang in there,, i know i'm gonna be strong..
a month ago, i thought i was gonna be ready to face all of this,, but, i dunno.. now i feel that i will only be ready when the time is forcing me to. i stay hope and pray, pray and pray and pray..




this is ha-a-arrdd u know..
life is hard..




and the thing that keeps me optimistic is, that i have a faith that all of this, is gonna be worth it. it will be worth to all the gift, that Allah will give to me, after i pass this.. sooner or maybe later..
well, somehow u have to sacrifice more to get more, rite? it's nature law..
even if u fail to struggle in this mean mean world, the lord will always be fair. it means that ur gift, isn't available in this world, a lovely wonderful precious gift is already waiting for u in the paradise.. Allah's heaven..
sometimes all the faith that i have makes me calm, and strong. i know justice is always exists. it's all fair and all u've been sacrificed is gonna be worth it.

uhh,, but in this kinda moment, sometimes i don't know how to be strong. cos deep inside i feel all the weaknesses is on me.
people's symphaty doesn't help. i know it will never helped. it will only makin' me going down down down..
well,, let's just say that i'm gonna have to face it. there's no turning back,, and only one thing that could save me from all of this. my lord's help.. =)





whatever is going to happen to me, will be sweet. cos i've been bleeding, inside and out and everywhere..
yeah, i believe.

Random write! x)

Uhm,
i need to put something in here..
hmm,, well, since so far my life's as plain as an unflavoured yogurt.
then i will write randomly here.. =)


Hey, i'm so glad that obama wins the US election,, me n my friend just discussed it in the middle of our lunch yesterday,, we're happy that he won! =) i adore him a lil bit,, maybe because he's oh-so-charismatic, definitely brilliant, and he lived in indonesia when he was little. hehe,, it's just make me more interest and oh so proud. and a lil bit relieved maybe, coz i hope he could bring the world peace.. =)


humm.. ohyea,, i'm so crazy coz i have this lil crush on my teacher,, *blush blush* but unfo-ho-rtunately our age range is oh-so-faar.. =( i don't wanna say the number,, but uhuuhh this crush ain't going away-ay-ay-aaayy..

hahahaa..
he has this so much charm,, and i have this crush since we gathered in a small class, and he was our mentor, and he has this charisma and oh so charmingg charmingg charm charm!! x)

and i'm a lil bit melted and mesmerized,, uh oh okay i lied, not a bit,, hehe..
i even googled him one day and found his address! haha.. silly me.. x9

i think a guy's charm could be my weaknesses. haha. i fell more easily on a charismatic guy than on the handsome one.. =)

i used to have this soo much passion when i have a crush on a guy.. i tend to show him who i am and let him know that i like him (well, not directly either..) than hide when he's around.. but since i close my last case at the end of highschool year, i'm not interested in chasing after a guy anymore.. *hahah,, chasing a guy huh?? xD* well, yea, after the D project have accomplished, -- and it was reeally2 great accomplishment! hahah -- i actually think that would be the last time i did all those silly thing. no no no way that i'm gonna make a first move to any guy! aanyy guy! no.



*remember what u wear when u were working on the D project, dhytt? hehe*

i dunno about my choice,, will it lead me to get a boyfriend any harder?

i don't know yet.
maybe i don't even care that much.
i know that i have some qualities, that's impossible not even one single guy could fall for me.

well,, this is the optimistic me speaking,, =)

but sometimes it's haard to stay positive u know.. especially when u're alone in a loong loong time..
maybe i've learn a lot about relationship not by doing it. i listen, i see, i'm helping for the solution, mostly from my bestfriends' experiences..

now i tend to just let it flow.. take it slow.. show people who's the real me.. sometimes i even need to show the better real me.. and.. wait.
yeah, wait. and for me it is a loong long wait..
i mean, what am i supposed to do then beside waiting for the chance to happen?
or miracle maybe? hahah.

just be patient dhytt..

stay positive and hopeful. believe this all is gonna worth it. there will be an equitable answer for what u've been waiting and asking all your life... =)

life is a mystery . . .

have you ever met a stranger that feels like he is your long-time-ago bestfriend?

that you are comfortable to talking to, laughing with, even could share some of your feelings..

have you ever met a stranger that you don't usually can talk about many things with someone new, but with him u feel so free and just be you?

have you ever met a stranger that have a lot of things in common with you?
i mean, soo so mucch in common that makes you wonder 'how does it possible?'

well, yes i have.
it's actually months ago,, for exact on June 2008.
it's suddenly crossed on my mind again.. =)

here is how it happened..
at the end of June, on Friday, i had to go back to Jakarta -the place where i belong- because of this soo much pressure in my study, and i needed to attend mbak Nadia's wedding..
well, the main reason was actually: i'm so fed up with my study, and i almost gave up, and all i needed was only to come back home.

yes. my loving home. in Jakarta. even it was only for three days. three amazing days to come back to my loving family. to refresh my mind. to heal and make up all the depressed feelings.

what exactly complete my 'homecoming for healing' is actually when i was going back to this city, back to the reality, on Sunday afternoon, at this Sukarno Hatta airport..

when i arrived in this A6 waiting room, it didn't usually this veryy crowded.
in the middle of so many people looked for seats, i found one seat. straightly found it.
without any doubt, i went ahead and have a seat.
i wondered why there's one empty seat with so many people looking for a seat..
well, yea whatever.

then this guy who seated next to me started talking to me.

he and i had a long chat and we found so much things in common!
we even went back to Jakarta on same day, same hour, and for exactly same reason..
we were so damn fed up with our routine that we needed to come back home to refresh our mind..
so far i talked to him, i was totally being me.

i mean,, i never meet a lot of strangers out there,, but for a stranger, i know he's so comforting to talk with,,
he said he notice me bcos i looked like a friend of him,, that was bcos i was wearing my glasses! which i have never ever wear those damn glasses anywhere but my house, which i never left home without my softlens, which i wore it confidently outside the house for the first time only bcos i just want.

maybe if i didn't wear those damn glasses he'd never talk to me..

we had this chit chat for about 2 hours. and i never felt 2 hours was that short. i had a great time waiting.. xp
we also walked into the plane together.
and i thought it could get scarier only if we sat together again on the plane.

duh, it happened..
well, it's actually not really that together but our seat was on the same row.
mine was 30A, and his was 30D.
yeah, scary. whatever. what a coincidence.
then on the plane, i didn't talk to him at all. i was just enjoying my flight...
.

.

.
when our plane just landed, i still didn't talk to him.
then he and i walked out the plane one on one.
but hey, inside the airport, when all passengers were walking into the exit, he looked back, saw me, and he stopped.

yes, he stopped to wait for me.

i was just smile and wave my hand a little.
then we walked together again into the exit.
unfortunately, he carried a baggage, and i didn't.
it was almost 10 p.m and i had to get to my kost by taxi, all alone.
so i needed to left there as soon as possible.

that's the time when i had to say goodbye to Mr. Stranger...

humm..
i wish i could see him again..
when will i see your face again, Mr. Stranger?
hehe..

i don't know if it's like a picture of my Mr. right someday,,

i don't know if it's only a gift from my lord for me to not to feel alone in the middle of my trip goin' back to where-i-don't-belong..

but one thing for sure, i'm glad bcos after that night, i feel completely heal. maybe it's just nice to talk to someone that you barely know, but accepts you for who you are, and it's comforting, and fun too, cos u never experienced it before. it increased my self esteem, which i lost before..

well,
life is a mystery.
yeah folks, it really is.

i actually not really hope that someday we'll meet again and we clearly remember each other, *well bcos actually i hardly remember him either! haha*

sounds like a fairysuckstale..

but it would be nice if it does happen, eh?

maybe i could break the mystery.. =)

my FUN holidae..

we are crazy about swan lake..
on 17th oct we went to swan lake not so far from our campus,, the four of us girls with sista and danang..
on 19th oct we went to swan lake after we watched Laskar Pelangi.. four of us girls with sista and razak..
whole day(s) we spent together with soo so much fun!! xD

Very first damn words

Hey hey heyy..
the idea of makin a nu personal blog was showed up on :
13.10.2008
19:52


in the middle of studying for the next day microbiology quiz.. kinda bored that nite.. hehe ;D

Well, i don't know if it's kinda late to start a blog just today,, but i think i need a place, a room, a blank, -whatever you call it -to pour all my thoughts- freaky thoughts, geeky thoughts, all good and bad feelings whatever -it's up to me, eh? x)
Yeah and there will be some 'ngasal' grammar when i feel like 'curhat' in english,, cuz i just loove doing it so much. i only write words and sentences which i think it suits. i don't care about my grammar! hehhe.. there might be a lotta fuckin' rude words too! cuz i could be so rude when it comes to pouring my thought into something.

Actually i already start a blog in friendster since i was in highschool. but i do need some more place where there's not really much people know it. i don't care for whoever read this blog. i don't care what they think about me. it's just me. well, at least i'm trying to being me. maybe this blog could sorta be my 'jeritan hati' hahahahaha.. xD
I think since now on, i have to write whatever happen to my life, whatever happen to my thoughts, so someday i could review it and put a little smile on my own thoughts.

Well, here it is,, blog of mandhytaa, as known as _slurrppmiao_ in this blog, who is just a lady with a lot of things in her mind, who's tired lookin' for love and might even don't believe in that little thing called love, who has so many friends and not so many bestfriend *bestfriends are precious. then i won't have best as much i have friends, 'aite?* and always lookin forward to meet new people with all the different characters and minds, who could be my friend, bestie or might be enemy.
haha.. but i heart peace, i'm not such a bitch who's always lookin for catfight or something. i'm no drama queen cuz this life is hard without we even try to make it harder. i'm just a lady who always try to be the best of her. who has insecurities, rudeness, goofiness, bad side, angel side, yea whatever et ceteraa.

Now i'm studying in FKG u**** 3rd semester in a city which i wasn't born here, have no families here -all my lovelies are in Jakarta- so i'm practically 'anak kos' in this strange strange city. i might be have problems with socializing cuz i tend to be more introvert. i love makin' friends but i think i have a lil' problem on how to makin' it.

There are a lotta things i don't know yet in this world. i wanna read so much books but i don't have as much passion. i wanna widen my random knowledge but i don't have much time to do it. maybe it's about how you manage your time. i don't know, maybe i'm not smart enough just yet.

I really wanna be a great dentist and i always been SUPER JEALOUS to whoever have their own dental clinic. damn. i envy all those succesful dentist with all the following fabulous title between their name.
I wanna help all of them who have problems with their teeth and oral. i wanna be super cool dentist someday. and i want my own dental clinic. i promise i should have one!! yeahh even i still do sks (sistem kebut semalam) learning before tests and quizzes sometimes and really have this laziness when it comes to paperwork.. hehe,, but i promise i definitely have to be better and better! x)
I use to have all this firey firey passion to be what i wanna be and i will always have this passion for all my life!

And i have a faith in Allah SWT for sure. but i'm not really that much religious. i just believe if i want what's best for my life i really can't be tired to ask Allah and do what is not 'menyimpang' from my religion. so i gotta keep believin', hope and never deny on my faith. cuz i know for sure, in the hand of the Great Allah SWT, all of this, is worth. and someday i will get what is worth for my sacrifices all this time.

I always lookin for new experience, meeting new people, new things cuz i could get sick of this ordinary life. i always lookin for my courageness too. it's hard to be brave and stands out you know.. not every person can get out of the box. and i actually wanna be one. and i still have to find out how to dare to be different. in a good way of course!
I'm dying to have some more spare time. cuz there's a lotta things i wanna do but with all this busy work and activities, i have no chance. and i would looove to kill my bad habit: laziness. sometimes i prefer sleeping than doing useful work. beside sleeping i could watch too much dvds, reading too much magazines, whatever it takes to kill time and do nothing useful for me. it's too much waste of time. i get tired easily. damnn. i used to have so much energy i couldn't even sleep till 3 AM. but now, i could stay up until 3AM only for dvds. which is total waste of time! no no no no! i GOTTA STOP IT! get ur ass real high anywhere but your bed! damn.

every 1 minute you waste is precious 60 seconds that you could never repeat.

that's a lot of number! ;)

So i should prooooomisseee to be more careful to manage my time. promise dhytt! x9