Slurrppmiao!: the BIG day that i'm gonna HAVE to face . . .

meong!
i think i'm gonna have to write something here before the big day..

yea, a BIG day for me.. =s

well,, it's not really that kind of big happy happy big day actually..
maybe it's the destiny that i'm gonna HAVE to face..
yea,, i'm havin surgery this week.

shit!
i even haaaate to get involved with that S word.. =(
either sayin it or writin it,, or translate it into bahasa..
yea, whateverr it's the same..
uhhh...
it's definitely a BIG deal for me,, bcos since the day i was born, i was never ever ever everr get involved with that place againn.. hospital i mean.. and it was already how long? 19 years long. =/

since i had all the pra-"s"hitty thing treatment,, i never liked it..
in fact i hate it..
just lyin there and hang on when nothing u can ever do without anybody's help is a BIG pain in the ass. i feel weak. i feel tiny. i have no power.
and no no noo i never liked bein' weak. feels like suicide men..
it totally breaks my heart.

i'm kinda person that tend to like to help people, not being helped.
that's why.
maybe we're sorta talkin bout ego here.. =\

well, this shitty thing is actually not something that i like to share with others,, bcos i am down enuff with the fact that i have a tumor intraorbital, and i don't need anybody's symphathy to make me feel worst.
i hate being weak in front of people. i hate bein unnormal between everybody who's seems to enjoy their fabulous life..

i know this is my destiny that i have to face, sooner or later,, bcos in fact it was genetic,, not something that show up in a mean time..
i really am tryin my best here,, i try and try to stand up and hang in there,, i know i'm gonna be strong..
a month ago, i thought i was gonna be ready to face all of this,, but, i dunno.. now i feel that i will only be ready when the time is forcing me to. i stay hope and pray, pray and pray and pray..

this is ha-a-arrdd u know..
life is hard..

and the thing that keeps me optimistic is, that i have a faith that all of this, is gonna be worth it. it will be worth to all the gift, that Allah will give to me, after i pass this.. sooner or maybe later..
well, somehow u have to sacrifice more to get more, rite? it's nature law..
even if u fail to struggle in this mean mean world, the lord will always be fair. it means that ur gift, isn't available in this world, a lovely wonderful precious gift is already waiting for u in the paradise.. Allah's heaven..
sometimes all the faith that i have makes me calm, and strong. i know justice is always exists. it's all fair and all u've been sacrificed is gonna be worth it.

uhh,, but in this kinda moment, sometimes i don't know how to be strong. cos deep inside i feel all the weaknesses is on me.
people's symphaty doesn't help. i know it will never helped. it will only makin' me going down down down..
well,, let's just say that i'm gonna have to face it. there's no turning back,, and only one thing that could save me from all of this. my lord's help.. =)