Don't know why........ Oh! i know, i'm no extraordinaire woman!

Well, living your life all alone in the city that u barely know with no lover and not so many friends u've known for long years sometimes kinda desperating.. usually i need to be alone and cry quite much. but now, i don't wanna. don't know why i didn't come....




i need to scream. scrrrreeeeaaaammmmming instead of crying.





Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone

i'm soo feeling norah jones right now. it's funny cos usually i get annoyed by her song. no offense, but i think her songs are sooo mellow. i didn't usually like it. but now, once again, i don't know why i didn't come...

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

i wanna get thru all this, like, in a snap! but. heyy! i still have three and a half years remaining... that's quite a loooong time, u know, if this situation doesn't change.

i need a change. maybe not 'a'. maybe i need soo much changes in my life.. or else i won't survive in this mean mean -- but pretty stand still -- world. i need to have some points in my life. i realize happiness won't come to me. i can never have good times if i don't try to make it happen. i have to make happiness happen to me. since i'm no extraordinary woman. i'm just a regular girl who thinks that she is special and worth enough to be happy.


















no no no,, i ain't no extraordinaire....

there are many woman i know in my life that can get everything they want without even have to try soo hard to get it. chances happen to them just like blinking your eyes. i hate to accept this reality, but i know that i'm not the kind of woman that blessed with so much good things so she can just go ahead and enjoy that compliments from God. i still have to work things out. so far, there's not so much i can do.

is destiny limiting me from being 'up and out'?
huff. i wanna be a woman with no boundary.
i SHOULD BE a woman with no boundary.
i have to work on this. i know, i have to work on this.

no no no, don't cry no more sweetheart, just scream as loud as you can, and believe, you deserve all that too.. you'll get those chances. it's just, you reeally have to be smart and sneaky, oh, and brilliant! oh dear, you have to have PERFECT inside to cover your 'outside ordinaire' ..

i hate to be perfect. i don't believe in perfectness. i used to be a perfectionist woman. but in some ways i know it kills me. bcos usually nobody giving much appreciate of it. of the perfectness. people now, majority, DON'T appraise perfectness. so, why busy being perfect?

people might worship 'outside' perfectness, but perfect in the inside, who cares?

if the quote above is the fact that happens nowadays, and people no longer have hearts or healthy mind, and this world really is getting mean and meaner everyday.. dear God, what i have to be survived? T.T

i don't have that outside faaabulous look. and i still have to work on my personality to be better and better. am i left behind? or is it just me that not aware yet?

You are so SMALL to me.

humm.. have you ever being rejected by a person that actually has 'nothing' -- not anything -- with you? i mean we're JUST a close friend. and he was like randomly sayin some rejection words to me. and i didn't even say anything that possibly make him say that.

HA. HA. what's your point mr. BIG HEAD?
feel like u made my heart fly away and i was like totally have a crush on you? do you think i have butterflies in my stomach when i'm with you? do you really really think that my heart beats faster when you're around me? :D
well, IN YOUR DREAM! it's JUST your imagination, little man.
in my bahasa, it sounds: "PEDE BANGET LO!"




hahaa..
yeah little man. u look so small in my eyes now.



i mean, you've gotta be kidding me! ha. ha. ha. that's totally amusing. -.-'

i actually feel like i have never ever show something that potentially make me look i'm-oh-so-in-love-with-you.. well, at least as long as i still have my head up here and my feet up in the ground. du-uhh!!
then you say that words, and oh my goddamit i am soo totally can't accept it!! damn i'm angry. that's unacceptable. men, where is my pride?? shit.
yeayeayeahhss i might probably have my heart crashed and broken IF and ONLY IF i AM in love with you. or at least have a crush on you.

as a matter of fact, I AM NOT.
can't get it clear enuff?
I HAVE NEVER EVER THINK THERE ARE SOMETHING BETWEEN US.
except that u're a friend.

FRIEND.
is that sounds like 'lover' to you? yes? then go fix your brain. so it could interprete anything clearer.
i mean, can't a girl have a man bestfriend? it's not that i have orientation to get a boyfriend all the time everytime i get close with a guy. i know where to put myself in. I'M NOT AN IDIOT. i'm not a fairytale-mind lady. i open my eyes widely. i know u have no crush on me. i know u don't love me that way. so i only react. and me, amandita parameswari, is a woman that will only love a guy that love her in the way that she like. and i know u're not one of that guy.

u even gave me the song that in my interpretation means u're wasting some time with me. then don't! i don't care.
and, and, and, based on my experiences, my basic instict made me 'go for it' when i have a crush on someone. especially when he is someone that's not 'out of my reach'. i'm not a woman that like someone, sit down, 'ce-ce-pe' a little, and pray. or even hide everytime he coming towards. that's not me. at least i tried to let him know. *might be in kinky ways.. xp* i want him to notice me. the point is, i know what i'm doing.
and also, my besties would know about this!

IF you think i had a crush on you in the first place, maybe because that's just me. pardon me who's just tryin to be a nice person to a FRIEND. and a cool person to hang out and spend some time with.
this all is a big joke. u ONLY make u so small to me. yeah you, little man.
yes u're still a friend to me. i'm no bitchy lady. a friend but with less respect. it's all because of your big head. and big head is a metaphor. hehe. peace man! =D

About finding mr. Right...

Sometimes, some things are better written with the language u've known for ur whole life.
this is one of my deepest thought in bahasa, lately...

Seiring dengan berjalan nya waktu, bertambahnya usia, bertambah pula masalah yang muncul dalam hidupku. disana konflik, disini konflik. kepala ini mungkin saja pecah karena tak sanggup menampung semuanya. banyak hal yang belum aku raih dalam hidupku. aku belum menemukan seorang belahan jiwa yang bisa mendampingiku disaat-saat bahagia maupun saat saat sulit. itu adalah salah satunya. dan hal itu sedikit banyak terkadang sering mengoyakkan sedikit untaian dalam jiwa ini. kurasakan ada sesuatu yang menghilang. belum komplit. belum dimulai apalagi diakhiri. jiwa ini masih kesepian. tidak selayaknya insan hawa yang jiwanya terpenuhi dengan adanya seorang adam disisinya. aku sendiri. sepi. kosong. tak ada yang memenuhi.

Namun dengan berbagai prahara yang muncul di sekitarku, kadang aku meragukan akan waktu. terkadang aku ingin waktu cepat-cepat membawaku ke masa dimana aku menemukan adam-ku. namun kini, entah. tiba-tiba aku ingin menghapus semua asa itu. aku tidak ingin apapun sekarang. aku muak mencari adam. seorang adam yang aku dambakan tak lain hanyalah seorang lelaki sejati, yang mempunyai hati. aku lelah mendengar keluhan berbagai hawa disekitarku, yang tidak memperoleh perlakuan yang selayaknya patut ia dapatkan dari adam-nya. aku jadi tidak ingin terburu-buru. aku jadi ingin ekstra hati-hati dalam memilih seorang adam yang PANTAS bersanding disisiku. bukan sembarang adam. tak sudi aku.

Aku tidak ingin menghabiskan masa muda dan masa tuaku dengan segala keluhan tentang sang adam, ataupun hidup dibawah siksaan nya. raga, terlebih jiwa. hatiku terlalu bernilai untuk dikoyak dan diporak-porandakan oleh sang adam. aku adalah wanita yang terlalu berharga untuk menerima segala perlakuan tak pantas dari sang adam, baik jiwa maupun ragaku. kini aku melihat seorang adam dari bagaimana sifatnya, apakah sifat itu dapat membawaku ke dalam lubang penyiksaan di kemudian hari? betapapun segala yang dimilikinya melebihi seluruh emas di muka bumi, ketampanannya melebihi nabi Yusuf sekalipun, otaknya bagaikan berlian yang diasah tiada henti, namun bagiku dia sama sekali bukan lelaki jika ia tidak tahu bagaimana cara memperlakukan wanita.

Aku ingin hidup di masa nanti dengan perasaan damai dan disayangi. karena aku dapat dengan mudah menyayangi dan mencintai seseorang. namun alangkah teruknya jika kasih sayang itu berakhir dengan penderitaan. setiap orang bisa berubah, aku tahu itu. aku bukanlah wanita munafik yang tidak menyadari segala tetek bengek dunia yang begitu kejam dan pahit bahkan hanya untuk diketahui. namun yang kutahu setiap orang terus dan terus mencari apa yang terbaik bagi dirinya. aku pun sadar betul bahwa kita tak bisa terus mencari apa yang luar biasa sempurna untuk diri kita sendiri. namun aku tidak ingin gegabah dalam memilih, karena apa yang telah aku putuskan untuk kupilih dan kupastikan itu akan menjadi sesuatu yang sakral untuk aku jaga selamanya. untuk kuberikan kasih sayang yang seakan tiada akhir. semampu raga segenap jiwa.

Dan alangkah beruntungnya lelaki itu dan betapa mulia-nya ia jika ia tahu diri untuk memegang teguh janjinya dalam segala hal dan situasi apapun untuk tetap memperlakukan aku sebagai wanita dengan sepantasnya. jika aku perlu disiksa, siksalah aku karena aku bertindak membangkang kepadamu. jika aku perlu dihajar, hajarlah aku karena berbuat tidak pantas kepadamu. namun jangan sekali-sekali engkau siksa aku karena egois dan congkakmu. aku telah tunduk kepadamu. jangan berani membuat fisik dan batinku terluka. hanya karena harga dirimu. hanya karena ego mu. hanya karena nafsu ataupun birahimu.

Karena aku tidak mampu berbuat apa-apa. aku tidak akan sampai hati menyakitimu. aku tidak akan bisa hidup jika memikirkanmu berjuang bertahan hidup seorang diri. meskipun segala yang menjadi prinsipku itu tidak mungkin dapat kau lakukan untukku. aku akan terus berjuang untuk bertahan disisimu, karena engkau adalah pilihanku. engkau tempatku berlindung. engkau pernah memberikan naungan batin dan fisik kepadaku. dan aku bisa disiksa di neraka jika aku melawanmu.

Aku hanya bisa berdoa kepada Illahi, berikan aku seseorang yang jauh dari sempurna untuk menjadi jodoh sempurnaku. seorang lelaki SEJATI. lelaki yang sejati memang tidak pernah sempurna. namun ia tahu bagaimana menjadi yang terbaik untuk sang wanita dalam segala keadaan.

Dan aku, akan menunggunya, dengan sangat sabar.

(amandita. 12 Januari 2009. 00:51)

... can they?

hey! this is my very first post in the year 2009.. yay!

haha,, at the end of 2008, i learnt something :

--> men can't keep their words <--

well, i don't know many guys and yes i've heard about that theory thousand times from my bestfriends,, but hey! those words really are true.. yes, they could make u high and put smile on your face for a while, promising u this and that,, but apparently those are only sweet words! can they keep it? nope.

well,, basically, i don't claim, need, hope, or want anything from him, truly.

but hey, u have promised me something! can you at least keep your words? if u don't think u can fulfill ur promise, why bother promising me something? such a waste..
be a man! or don't. yeah, cos maybe that's men's natural instinct,, not to keep their words.. promising bullshit(s) to every woman.. it might be something they're actually good at.. i don't know.

na-a-aahh, nope. i won't trust a guy or their promises whatsoever anymore..

not for today, not for tomorrow..

maybe until there comes the right guy, PROVING me that the theory isn't always true, CONVINCE me that there's still a guy left in this world who can keep his word..

i'll be GLAD waiting someone like that. i don't mind waiting. honestly.

seriously.