Facing 2009...

hmmm...

suddenly there are a lotta things going on my mind facing this year 2009..

i don't know is it only syndrome at the end of the year or whatsoever..

suddenly i had this flashback.. what i've done this year, what i haven't done... somehow i actually sad, maybe many things still didn't work out the way i hope this year's gonna be.. maybe i just realize that i'm not gonna spend nu years eve with my family.. especially my dad, or my mom, or my sister, or three of them.. T.T

this year, this lovely 2008, there are a lot of things to be regret, and there are much more things to be thank.. especially the big thing that happen to me recently, which is surely stay in my memory for the rest of my life..

that big thing makes this 2008 become a memorable year..

i don't know, but i guess the thing that makes me sad is that i'll pass my nu year's eve with my family... x( well, not last year, not even this year.. humm.. i chose to be with my friends this year.. i never do this before, but hey, a girl needs to grownup and realize, there are first times for everything.. and i pick this year to do it..

i'm afraid, that next year, 2009, things aren't the same anymore.. things gonna be a whole lot different from now.. i have this kinda feeling and it tortures my mind now.. why i become afraid of changes? i knew things change, people change, things gonna be different from time to time, and changes are good sometimes.. but.. now i'm scared to all of it?

of course i've been changing too.. from year to year; time, people, environment, they keep forcing me to change.. either in a good way, or maybe not a really good one..

i have this weird feeling that 2009 gonna be a hard year for me.. that's why now i even more afraid of changes..

dear God, i'm so afraid i might even cry, real hard..

Lord, i've been living 19 years, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY LIFE?

am i keep gettin better and better? am i thankful enough to my Lord? am i doing many pleasant things to the ones i loved? am i always choosing what's best for me?

i don't know and i'm not sure.. cos like i said life is a mystery...

we're only human, like what jason mraz sing..

all that we can do is try to live our life as best as we can do...

WHAT?! they're back??

amandita u are pathetic!!

uoooohhh...

*slap my face* :'3







why this butterflies keep rolling on my stomach
when i do this 'thingy' even the crush had been soo soo over years ago??





back then at some (secretly) years ago,, i did this in a very2 awkward way, the butterflies surely come out my stomach uncontrollably,, and i surely do realize that crush had been totally over years ago.. now.. the fact is..? they're back in action! ahhaha..

syid ya men.. T.T

umm,, but real-axe, i guess they only come out at this particular time only.. don't worry.. xp

humm.. enuff is enuff!

then i remember,, a bestfriend once said to me,, that a feeling for someone, or loving someone, or care about someone,, is a gift from the lord...

. . .

is that true?

well,, i'm a lil bit confused actually,, is it really something that will only come up when the lord 'let you' loving someone? isn't that something that can be work out by human control? isn't all that is about choice? if it really is, that loving someone is a gift, then our choice is always something that indirectly given or destined by the lord... (?)

mmm, i believe someday will come my time to understand this all.. =)

Thankfulness

(it supposed to be published exactly a month ago.. but oh well, here it is... )

yo!

it's actually something that i wanna write couple days after my BIG day,, but i dunno,, can't find the right words yet,, or maybe the place that inspire me a lot to write is in my kost.. since i spent most of my 'deep-feelings-time' there,, and since i just came back to this 'back-to-reality' city,, so i write it just now. wohohoo.. i think i'm much more productive in creating something--aanything-- in this place.. haha,, feels like now i'm belong here (when it comes to must-face-reality) hehehe..

enuff babbling!

well,, as you can see in this big big smile...

i survived!!

all the things that bothered me these days have finally over...

wanna know how it feels?

sweet, as i said before..
it even tastes much much more sweeter than what i thought..
i can't believe i've been through it all..
i'm so thankful to Allah, and i never feel like i thank enough to all of this gift.
haven't satisfied being thankful yet,, cos it all feels like miracle! i'm lucky, i'm gifted, and i'm blessed.

lucky,, cos this is something that everybody would say it's almost impossible! i had this tumor for all my life, and it was being recognized 3 months ago! it was quickly handled by my father and of course the professional doctors so it could be taken care by a 'God-handed' doctor from Japan, prof. Nakamura.. he did a perfect job in a perfect timing and situation. how can i not be thankful? =)

gifted,, cos i feel the love of people around me. my precious parents,, who fought this with all of their body and mind.. their prayer, mind, feelings, money, all wasted with no doubt in the name of love, deep inside from their heart, for me... dear inyok and babe, i love you... =) my beloved bestfriends,, who helped me a lot when i was facing and getting through all of this,, they cheer me up, encourage me, pray with me, whatever a friend can do they could do too.. the wonderful doctors,, i believe they did the best that they could do even it wasted their time, power and money.. my big family,, either sister, grandma, uncles, aunties, cousins etc, for all their support and prayer that indirectly but surely lead my way of succesfully through this.. and i knew i'm so thankful, cos now i know how does it feel being loved unselfishly, never expect any changes, and fully from the bottom of the heart.

blessed,, bcos i could face this 'test' with a big smile in my face, i was calm, tawakkal, and ready for almost everything at that time.. i feel no pain, no scared, and everything that i expected definitely come true. i even left the hospital with so so much thankful feelings in my heart, and it does taste sweet. reeally really sweet.

me and the main part of the saviors

me and prof. Nakamura

(me and the smile of me-JUST-got-out-from-the-ICU-room! hahha.. never have smiled that BIG!)

and since it exactly a month passed, and i feel completely healthy, happy, still thankful, hopeful and continuing my life with a big passion in my heart. hope everything goes perfectly fine every now and then, and i should never be tired to be thankful to my lord for all my life... ;)