the BIG day that i'm gonna HAVE to face . . .

meong!
i think i'm gonna have to write something here before the big day..

yea, a BIG day for me.. =s

well,, it's not really that kind of big happy happy big day actually..
maybe it's the destiny that i'm gonna HAVE to face..
yea,, i'm havin surgery this week.

shit!
i even haaaate to get involved with that S word.. =(
either sayin it or writin it,, or translate it into bahasa..
yea, whateverr it's the same..
uhhh...
it's definitely a BIG deal for me,, bcos since the day i was born, i was never ever ever everr get involved with that place againn.. hospital i mean.. and it was already how long? 19 years long. =/


since i had all the pra-"s"hitty thing treatment,, i never liked it..
in fact i hate it..
just lyin there and hang on when nothing u can ever do without anybody's help is a BIG pain in the ass. i feel weak. i feel tiny. i have no power.
and no no noo i never liked bein' weak. feels like suicide men..
it totally breaks my heart.

i'm kinda person that tend to like to help people, not being helped.
that's why.
maybe we're sorta talkin bout ego here.. =\

well, this shitty thing is actually not something that i like to share with others,, bcos i am down enuff with the fact that i have a tumor intraorbital, and i don't need anybody's symphathy to make me feel worst.
i hate being weak in front of people. i hate bein unnormal between everybody who's seems to enjoy their fabulous life..

i know this is my destiny that i have to face, sooner or later,, bcos in fact it was genetic,, not something that show up in a mean time..
i really am tryin my best here,, i try and try to stand up and hang in there,, i know i'm gonna be strong..
a month ago, i thought i was gonna be ready to face all of this,, but, i dunno.. now i feel that i will only be ready when the time is forcing me to. i stay hope and pray, pray and pray and pray..




this is ha-a-arrdd u know..
life is hard..




and the thing that keeps me optimistic is, that i have a faith that all of this, is gonna be worth it. it will be worth to all the gift, that Allah will give to me, after i pass this.. sooner or maybe later..
well, somehow u have to sacrifice more to get more, rite? it's nature law..
even if u fail to struggle in this mean mean world, the lord will always be fair. it means that ur gift, isn't available in this world, a lovely wonderful precious gift is already waiting for u in the paradise.. Allah's heaven..
sometimes all the faith that i have makes me calm, and strong. i know justice is always exists. it's all fair and all u've been sacrificed is gonna be worth it.

uhh,, but in this kinda moment, sometimes i don't know how to be strong. cos deep inside i feel all the weaknesses is on me.
people's symphaty doesn't help. i know it will never helped. it will only makin' me going down down down..
well,, let's just say that i'm gonna have to face it. there's no turning back,, and only one thing that could save me from all of this. my lord's help.. =)





whatever is going to happen to me, will be sweet. cos i've been bleeding, inside and out and everywhere..
yeah, i believe.

Random write! x)

Uhm,
i need to put something in here..
hmm,, well, since so far my life's as plain as an unflavoured yogurt.
then i will write randomly here.. =)


Hey, i'm so glad that obama wins the US election,, me n my friend just discussed it in the middle of our lunch yesterday,, we're happy that he won! =) i adore him a lil bit,, maybe because he's oh-so-charismatic, definitely brilliant, and he lived in indonesia when he was little. hehe,, it's just make me more interest and oh so proud. and a lil bit relieved maybe, coz i hope he could bring the world peace.. =)


humm.. ohyea,, i'm so crazy coz i have this lil crush on my teacher,, *blush blush* but unfo-ho-rtunately our age range is oh-so-faar.. =( i don't wanna say the number,, but uhuuhh this crush ain't going away-ay-ay-aaayy..

hahahaa..
he has this so much charm,, and i have this crush since we gathered in a small class, and he was our mentor, and he has this charisma and oh so charmingg charmingg charm charm!! x)

and i'm a lil bit melted and mesmerized,, uh oh okay i lied, not a bit,, hehe..
i even googled him one day and found his address! haha.. silly me.. x9

i think a guy's charm could be my weaknesses. haha. i fell more easily on a charismatic guy than on the handsome one.. =)

i used to have this soo much passion when i have a crush on a guy.. i tend to show him who i am and let him know that i like him (well, not directly either..) than hide when he's around.. but since i close my last case at the end of highschool year, i'm not interested in chasing after a guy anymore.. *hahah,, chasing a guy huh?? xD* well, yea, after the D project have accomplished, -- and it was reeally2 great accomplishment! hahah -- i actually think that would be the last time i did all those silly thing. no no no way that i'm gonna make a first move to any guy! aanyy guy! no.



*remember what u wear when u were working on the D project, dhytt? hehe*

i dunno about my choice,, will it lead me to get a boyfriend any harder?

i don't know yet.
maybe i don't even care that much.
i know that i have some qualities, that's impossible not even one single guy could fall for me.

well,, this is the optimistic me speaking,, =)

but sometimes it's haard to stay positive u know.. especially when u're alone in a loong loong time..
maybe i've learn a lot about relationship not by doing it. i listen, i see, i'm helping for the solution, mostly from my bestfriends' experiences..

now i tend to just let it flow.. take it slow.. show people who's the real me.. sometimes i even need to show the better real me.. and.. wait.
yeah, wait. and for me it is a loong long wait..
i mean, what am i supposed to do then beside waiting for the chance to happen?
or miracle maybe? hahah.

just be patient dhytt..

stay positive and hopeful. believe this all is gonna worth it. there will be an equitable answer for what u've been waiting and asking all your life... =)