na na na na.. my 21st birthday!

hey hey heeey!!

so I haven't told ya bout my 21st bday, have I? :D

I think it's kinda becoming my habit, to make a post about my birthday, one month after my bdayiyaay! nyehehe >:)

soooo, here comes, the 21 YEARS OLD lady! still survive in a hot hot city, surabaya! hahaha.. this year I was more real-axed than I was on my 20th bday!

it's like, twenty something..? been there done that!

hehe.. yes, I am more prepared for this. chill.

so yeah, here is another bday with my family faar away from me, so I just got a chance to celebrate it with my beloved friends here! well, nothing really special this year, actually.. ey, what?? liar! my bday is always special, however simple it is! :D

one simple habit on my bday is, to get a fine look. of course i have to wear nice clothes, clean up real nice, good hair, simply lookin'goood on my special day! it's a routine! this year's different thing is, my 3 besties texted me on midnite! yeah, 3 years with them and i didn't actually got any sms bday wishes from them before! heehee.. i got many bday wishes from lots and lots of friends and family, in FB, twitter, sms.. and i of course kindly replied 'em personally as always.. ;)

uhmm, 19-20 March 2010 is kinda exhausting, i remembered.. many college tasks, saman dance practice (cz we were having a show coming up), went out till late, and the saman performance was on 20th, and i had to be at campus at 6 o'clock! huwoh!

and heey! my family sent me a large bday opera cake! yaay! so, after class, me and my girls came to my casa to have a lil bday cake partay! hehe fuun :)

here comes the BIG opera cake! :)

blow the candles, 21 years old lady!

and i was really dying to see this great movie, My Name is Khan.. so i treated my girls to Sutos to see this movie! and i got to wear the shirts they gave me as bday present! it was RED, and i loved it! :* turned out the movie, My Name is Khan is such a really guhrreat movie! i'm real happy that i get to watched it on my bday! and yeah, my besties were there for me.. they enjoyed the moment with me.. it had been a while tho, since the four of us went out together.. ^^

yay!

it is RED and i loved it! :D

it was simply a good good day for me! alhamdulillah, ya Allah..

thank you for the chance of being 21..
thank you for the chance of being with my friends on my special day..
thank you for the people who care enuff to wishing me sweet things on my bday..

well, can't thank You enuff for all of Your blessings! alhamdulillah! ;)

we were kumus-kumus, and happy! ;)

What is it that God tryin' to say to me? :/

uhm.


have no idea, how people can be so easily get themself a person who is willing to stay by themselves. (esp. women) y know what I mean, a partner in life. meanwhile me, myself, cried and cried many times to God, but stil not getting any. I have been feeling many ups and downs in this waiting. and the big Q has always been: WHY?

no answers to that yet. does He haven't trust me yet? I am 21 years old for heaven's sake! what else do I have to do? i've tried many ways tho. I have always been let myself open, but the chances were barely there. :(



I am just a human being that is only trying to be normal. which in normal way, I know exactly that I have needs. i can not pretend no more that i don't need it. I do need some real relationship. I need to feel all those ups and downs in having a relationship with somebody. in crazy thoughts, I always think that this is some kinda punishment for me. what is it that i've done in the past? please, if anybody that I have mistakes with, read this, if I have done anything that made you swear to God not to let me get a man for myself, I am begging you, tell me what is it that i've done so wrong, and how do I make it up to you? maybe you have some kinda power that made God 'listens' to your swear those times, that made Him won't give anyone nice for me to stay by my side.. *sigh*

or is it my destiny, to waiiiiit such a duper long loooong long long time, then He will give me either someone I have always expected to be The One, or else he'll give me another tryouts, by giving me someone that I am just stuck with (either die alone or be with this person who is actually not great for me at all)

OOOOHHHH MY. MY LAWRD.. I am sad. :'(

and after all these times I have been passing through, for a pretty long time now, I haven't feel any sparks to anyone, for um, I don't know exactly for how many months already. I used to have someone that I really adore, and excited with, always. but yeah, in some case maybe I got a chance to get close to him, but it turns out I found out that he's NOT for me.

gosh, I really miss the feeling of adoring someone..

well yea, me of course didn't just stand here and wait. my assumption is, I just haven't really go out and publish myself that much. I believe, if I go out more, maybe join many this and that, meet many more people, it's not that impossible to find myself a man. but hey, the chances are from Lord, i believe. i just can not 'push' my destiny. because I am truly believe that every single littlest tiniest things that me and everybody's going through, is arranged by the Lord. and I always keep my eyes wide open if I had chances to get there. i'm just hoping that Lord will give me many more chances to work things out..

YES, it is all about patience.. all this pretty long time is.. oh yeah, not enough. should I still believe? oh, yes of course. just hafta keep hanging on to what I believe. FAITH to The Great Lord.

mandhyta's having a cranky mooooood! LOL

yoyoyoyoyoooooiiii ..
what's up people! been having a good life, eh? yeah. HOPE so! hahhaa..

if u wanna know my life, well, hours ago i can find myself in the most happiest and grreally really thankful for this life. but ya haah! i dunno, suddenly, ummh, my current mood when i was typing this, i feel like, umm, kraaaazzzeeehh!!!!

hahaahahhahaa

why? dunno. hav noo ideos palpados! grrr..

lets just say that im having this random cranky and a lil bit krazy mood! yoo hoo! \m/

maybe bcos i just finished watching friends season 8, (l-l-late?? yeah, whatever you saay) and i don't find it has a happy ending! uurrrggghhh made my mood like, blaaahhh!! :z and i found some lovebirds on twitter and i read their timeline, like sooo in love, even it's new couple or the old ones.. hyaiiikksss.. plus, i had this yucky "bandeng asep" that my auntie gave me today, and bleaahhhhh turned out i DID NOT like it! i felt nauseous! :'( and now my room smells fishy! yuuckk! :(

and now im talking crazy on my blog, y know, usually i want perfection in this blog, buuuuut what the hell.. that perfection thing is an obstacle to me for being more spontaneous! >:p

and i've been nauseous and acting crazy for a moment now, and THIS is my way of stopping me become mooore hiperactively crazy! LOL. yeah baby, by updating my blog! hha! this typing thing helps to control my wackiness! ahahhaaa *still dancing wacky thou!* :D

oh, and i hate the fact that i'm havin more fun in microblogging on twitter so i have more intimate time with my bb, that it made me kinda awkward to type in my laptop keyboard! ahahhahaa

i've been experiencing many ups and downs in my life since the last time i updated my blog.. well but lets just say that life goes on and i have to move on and try and try and try to be a better person in every step that i take..

wait. i know what u're thinking, stop stop stop! dont throw me that 'ast-bug' yet!! if i can read ur mind, ure trying to yell: THAT'S CLICHE MANDHYTAA!! what a motherf-er silly beee ouch!!

ahahahaa yeah i know that, but y know, when u thought life could be so simple, as a matter of fact, life is NOT that easy.. but when u think the life u're live in is soo damn f-ing hard, just remember to aaaalways find the positive things and ask to God what's the meaning behind all this.. sooner or later u'll find the answer and then life feels so simple! ;)

yeah we're all have our own problem in this life.. but we have no right to become a person that wouldn't care about others.
boy, that's just mean! :(
me, personally still haven't found out the right way to be a right person that is mature enough to face this world with all its complication awaiting for me to be solved. by my age, i am a grown up and shud be living my life in a mature way. but gosh, the pressure of maturity just can NOT helping me being mature.. well, maybe i might, but maturely depressed. *hehe i think i could be easily depressed :/*
we're gonna be mature by nature.
i believe God have plans to all of us. whoa, might gone very looooong if i keep talkin bout this. about me-life-God-etc. hehe

whew! see? i kinda solved my own problems tonite! i turned my mood from cranky to real calm, as u can see in my writing in this post;
the beginning = bzzzzttt *&%#$ bleahhhh!! >:(
at this point = hmmmmmmmm... 0:)


ehehehh.. fun! yeappp.. okay then, seems like i've put myself together.. i'm off! catcha later! toodles! :*

all by myself.. :)

hmm.. hey i'm thinking..


in this life, u're not always have someone beside you.

especially me.

i tend to be with my ownself without anyone beside me most of the time. it's really nice though, for an introverted-lady like me. hhe.. but at some points, it's kinda desperating, i admit. but i feel like in the future, -not very far future- i gotta be (and have to be) much more independent than before.

hmmm.. i think it's okay for me if i gotta go my own way.. *don't start singing, readers! haha* but i mean it. no kiddin here.. that's okay if i have to go all by myself..
just like my all time quote, "i have done it all my life, what would make it any harder?"

i believe in my Lord, i let my Lord control all things goin on in my life.. and i believe the end would be so sweet.. :)


well, yea this is a short post. just wanna share a little feelings here.. ;)

*hey, it's funny when i'm editing this post, my iTunes play me Eric Carmen's All by Myself! hahaa.. that's why this post titled "all by myself".. gihihii.. =)

hate. hate. hate.

out of nowhere, i wanna make a list of things that i dislike ;)

1. wrong spelling! ew. it's. just. bother. me. i hate reading mispelling words --> in purpose a.k.a sotoy. no matter to me when it comes to wrong grammar, everybody do that.. but wrong spelling? it burns me! hahahhaa .. it even kills me when i know i AM mispelling some words. yea, like i'm the master of spelling bee champion, but trust me i'm not. i'm gettin sounds like a nerdy skank biatch! hahahaaa peaaccceeeee ^^v

2. being not-ontime. anyone including myself. i knooow i'm not really an ontime person everytime,, but trust me, it's KILLING me when i'm late attending something. i really never liked being one. huks.

3. a non friendly face/ignore attitude i get when i greet/smile to people i know. not even a single smile?? why don't u kill me first, and u can freely ignore me. it makes all easier!

4. (cursed) men in the street that seems like they cannot live without insulting any woman passes by in front of them. whistling, flirting, maybe even touching (!!) when they really lost their head already! that is an insult for women, y'all uneducated man(s)!! unforgivable annoying bastards. i could ignore 'em, but when they reach my boiling point, especially when my mood is down under, and their target is my bestfriend/sister or mom, i might throw 'em an electrical pole! :D believe me i'll do something without considering the risks. (God, please protect me.. ~.~' )


mmm.. it turns out that so far i can think no more about what else pisses me of.. maybe this posting gonna need a little update if i wanna add a lil' extra somethin somethin everytime i need.. hha. :9

the-name-meaning

hey, ya know what?

it could've been more easier to have my blog updated if i have my very own internet connection in my kost. well, it's not that it never entered my mind,, but .. hmm.. dunno. maybe i'm not really tryin to look for the best provider.. hhe

mmm...

unnecessary!

just for fun, i wanna put this name meaning result i got from this site in here.. i bold every word i agree with! :)


You entered: Amandita Parameswari

There are 19 letters in your name.
Those 19 letters total to 79
There are 9 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

haha, i love doing this! finding out anything related to me. when the result says whatever closest to myself, i get very excited like a little girl gettin a giant lollipop candy, and wondering how is that possible? nicey niceeyyy :D

nyamm nyamm wait minute. i just realize that the post is not according to the title. if u curious about what my name truly means, here it is:

Amandita : aman-damai-tentram

Parameswari : parameter, suara ( related to USG/ultrasonography )

there! nice? ;)

things that i should've been shared months ago...

Dear God, what have i done to my blog?
i've been neglected it for how many months?
umm.. let's take a peek..
... waw! it's been 3 months since i put my latest post on this blog! aw aw. x)


last time i posted a blog i'm still 19 years old. now i'm in a big 20. yep, i'm no longer in the teenagers age era. i'm a twenty something woman! ~♥

hha. one thing that u shud know about this number is, it's pretty intimidating! yep. u have no idea how scared i am in the last minutes of my 19.. i actually already gettin worried from about a month before my bday. i realize that soon i'm gonna leave 19. and i'm havin a new number in the chapter of my life. one simple number before the others, 2. yep. turning 1 into 2 is actually intimidating for me. and it needed a very long process of thinking, cz i'm very aware of what's comin up to me. i'm gonna have a much much more responsibility, demands, expectations, etc etc. from people around me even from my own self.

i'm gonna be ashamed with my age if i still doing stupid things, having a short thinking, getting too reckless and sloppy, etc etc
i might be not having too much fun in my teenager, but that's the best i can do. i am now have to prepare for the upcoming era(s) in my life..

a day before i turned 20, i was getting oh-so-worry. i flashbacked what i've been done for almost 20 years i lived. i actually became hysteric that my time being 19 was almost up!
a night before i turned 20, i spent my time in my friends' house. we were havin so much fun that i'm almost forget that i'm turning 20 tonight! we were playin cards and truth or dare till late. but i couldn't help when the game stopped 2 hours before midnight and i was suddenly cryin' bcos i have so little time left on my 19! just couldn't accept all those reality comin up to me then. :'(
an hour before i turned 20, i left my friends' house, and my friend suddenly stopped in a sidewalk warong near pucang civil market to have dinner. and i just can't stop worrying about the time~! waay too overworried. i couldn't even laugh anymore, i was gettin scaared in a way that i couldn't describe.
i went to the car alone and cried so hard until i couldn't think. one of my bestie, Nona, tried to catch up with me, but i really needed a time alone. i called my best Hilma, just to cry. i told her what i was feeling. i cried more and more out loud! and yes after that i was soo relieved~! :)

it turned out that i only need a little time alone only to cry and let the bad feelings and thoughts out of my head! last cry in my 19th! ;)

then i came out from the car, ready to face my 20. apparently my luvliest besties already set up a (last time) sweet surprise for me! ♥

very first nicest things on my 20:
1. a great surprise from my bests (:inka, nona, della ..) and from some great new friends (:dede, rifky, nono, memed ..)
2. a nice birthday 'cake': terang bulan, which taste the best in my mouth! ^^
3. my best hilma, which encourage me before to face my 20, and the first one greetings me happy bday! :)
4. a sweet street singer that cheers up my night by playin some nice songs that made us all sing together all nite
5. very simple place but soo sweet to celebrate my 20: lesehan warung tempe penyet depan pasar pucang
6. lovely presents from my besties!

the most important thing is,
i can never be this tough without my besties around me.. i knew that i'm definitely ready leaving my 19 and entering my 20, when i realize that i'm not alone in this. i have 3 wonderful bestfriends near me, 2 great bestfriends in jakarta and hundreds hundreds of nice friends with me to face this. no need to worry! ;)

and not only those, i of course have a wonderful family that means so much in my heart.
and i can be this grateful bcos my Great Lord never forget to have me fully blessed with many wonderful things. alhamdulillah. i just can't stop being so thankful seconds after seconds! ♥


just like the backsound of my birthday, it's too sweet to forget~! =)


p.s. i'll updated this post to add some MORE pics and videos later! ;)

When she's done...

when she's no longer believe in love..
when she's no longer have patience to wait..
when she can't even hope.
when she can't even dream.
when she stops wonder what's wrong with her..
when she stops to think that a guy will find her..
when she realize she has to be realistic.
when she promises to be survived.
in the world that she live in, nothing goes right with her dream about a man..
in the world that she breath in, cupid never let her know what love is..
she starts to think that she's just pathetic.
she starts to blame herself for totally nonsense things.
she was desperate.
she was a loser.
she will never be loved properly by a man.
she will never be happy being loved by a man.
but, she was never give up.
but, she was always think positive.
now, she's trying to be more realistic.
now, she's thankful enough for her life.
now, she's done waiting.
now, she's not willing to lay herself on any hope.

she's independent.
she's grateful.
she's passionate.
she's survived.

she IS.

and...
she will always be.

Preparing to be SURVIVED!

Humm,, i guess this year 2009 will be a hard year for me.. dunno why, since very last day of 2008 i already had this feeling.. it mostly comes from the pressure at my study.. it's what they call 'clinic'.. this semester i will get the pre-clinic thing. next semester: hello real life! xs those shitty bang bang things will make me go nuts! x0

...well, i don't know, cos i haven't experienced it by myself, but i know what would it be! i'm preparing myself now, to face the reality. there will be sooo much pressure! uh-oh!

will i be prepared?
will i be survived?
will somebody lighten me up and decreasing all this coming up pressures and tensions around me?

Oh well! i don't know, if u think i'm talking about a man for me, i'm not really talkin about that.. somehow i felt those silly hopes about finding the right guy is starting to fade away.. i don't think there are any capable man for me. i'm not lookin for soulmate anymore. i'm learning to control myself from hating any guy around me. i just don't think i believe in love anymore. no one can prove me that 'bullshit thing called love' is still exist in this pathetic world. now i'm preparing myself to be independent for the rest of my life. i don't wanna dream, i don't wanna hope, no. not for this bullshit. i'm just tryin to be more realistic.

W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R.

I just wanna go living my life without dreaming or that someday i will depend my life on some guy.
what?
u think i'm pathetic?
u think i'm short-minded?
crazy thoughts?

Well, w.h.a.t.e.v.e.r. i don't care what people say. i don't care what people think. i've been thinking about this soo many times. i'm done with all the hoping and dreaming thing. can't find what's wrong with me, can't find what's wrong with the world. i'm done with wondering 'why he can love her so well? why can't i get one too?' well, let's get realistic. if i'm not that type of lovable woman, then i'm okay with that. i'm used to live by myself, without a man that guiding my heart. i'm soo used to that. then, what would make it be any harder? :9

I didn't say that i'm ready enuff for living a life like this, well, since i'm used to hoping and dreamingg.. it's killin me sometimes when i remember that i will spending the rest of my life without the 'special guy' in my life. BUT, i really really HAVE TO be ready for this. so far, i didn't believe that there are somebody who's not perfect enough to be perfect for me. at least, not right now. or ever.

I'm starting to protecting my heart more and more. for now on, this heart is still fragile. but i know, i have to be strong. strong enuff to be independent for the following years.. sometimes i get sick of couple around me. especially the ones that seems won't last forever. i feel sorry for them. no offense, really. but i'm not interested. i'm still learning to control that crazy minds.
Sometimes i hate that i have soo much feelings in my heart and mind. i wanna be less care. about anything that related to feelings. i envy men. they use their feeling less. we, women, usually think with our heart, not our brain. sometimes i really hate that. if i were a boy, i won't have those crazy feelings that killin me time to time.

:D

jyahahaaa.. but i'm grateful enuff that i was born a woman. never regret any of those God's gift. it's just, normally, women will depend their life on men. and i don't think i could be that normal. sooo, i have to prepare myself better to be survived. yeah! yeah! wish me luck eeeeeevvvrybodyyy..... :)

Don't know why........ Oh! i know, i'm no extraordinaire woman!

Well, living your life all alone in the city that u barely know with no lover and not so many friends u've known for long years sometimes kinda desperating.. usually i need to be alone and cry quite much. but now, i don't wanna. don't know why i didn't come....




i need to scream. scrrrreeeeaaaammmmming instead of crying.





Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone

i'm soo feeling norah jones right now. it's funny cos usually i get annoyed by her song. no offense, but i think her songs are sooo mellow. i didn't usually like it. but now, once again, i don't know why i didn't come...

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

i wanna get thru all this, like, in a snap! but. heyy! i still have three and a half years remaining... that's quite a loooong time, u know, if this situation doesn't change.

i need a change. maybe not 'a'. maybe i need soo much changes in my life.. or else i won't survive in this mean mean -- but pretty stand still -- world. i need to have some points in my life. i realize happiness won't come to me. i can never have good times if i don't try to make it happen. i have to make happiness happen to me. since i'm no extraordinary woman. i'm just a regular girl who thinks that she is special and worth enough to be happy.


















no no no,, i ain't no extraordinaire....

there are many woman i know in my life that can get everything they want without even have to try soo hard to get it. chances happen to them just like blinking your eyes. i hate to accept this reality, but i know that i'm not the kind of woman that blessed with so much good things so she can just go ahead and enjoy that compliments from God. i still have to work things out. so far, there's not so much i can do.

is destiny limiting me from being 'up and out'?
huff. i wanna be a woman with no boundary.
i SHOULD BE a woman with no boundary.
i have to work on this. i know, i have to work on this.

no no no, don't cry no more sweetheart, just scream as loud as you can, and believe, you deserve all that too.. you'll get those chances. it's just, you reeally have to be smart and sneaky, oh, and brilliant! oh dear, you have to have PERFECT inside to cover your 'outside ordinaire' ..

i hate to be perfect. i don't believe in perfectness. i used to be a perfectionist woman. but in some ways i know it kills me. bcos usually nobody giving much appreciate of it. of the perfectness. people now, majority, DON'T appraise perfectness. so, why busy being perfect?

people might worship 'outside' perfectness, but perfect in the inside, who cares?

if the quote above is the fact that happens nowadays, and people no longer have hearts or healthy mind, and this world really is getting mean and meaner everyday.. dear God, what i have to be survived? T.T

i don't have that outside faaabulous look. and i still have to work on my personality to be better and better. am i left behind? or is it just me that not aware yet?