When she's done...

when she's no longer believe in love..
when she's no longer have patience to wait..
when she can't even hope.
when she can't even dream.
when she stops wonder what's wrong with her..
when she stops to think that a guy will find her..
when she realize she has to be realistic.
when she promises to be survived.
in the world that she live in, nothing goes right with her dream about a man..
in the world that she breath in, cupid never let her know what love is..
she starts to think that she's just pathetic.
she starts to blame herself for totally nonsense things.
she was desperate.
she was a loser.
she will never be loved properly by a man.
she will never be happy being loved by a man.
but, she was never give up.
but, she was always think positive.
now, she's trying to be more realistic.
now, she's thankful enough for her life.
now, she's done waiting.
now, she's not willing to lay herself on any hope.

she's independent.
she's grateful.
she's passionate.
she's survived.

she IS.

and...
she will always be.

Preparing to be SURVIVED!

Humm,, i guess this year 2009 will be a hard year for me.. dunno why, since very last day of 2008 i already had this feeling.. it mostly comes from the pressure at my study.. it's what they call 'clinic'.. this semester i will get the pre-clinic thing. next semester: hello real life! xs those shitty bang bang things will make me go nuts! x0

...well, i don't know, cos i haven't experienced it by myself, but i know what would it be! i'm preparing myself now, to face the reality. there will be sooo much pressure! uh-oh!

will i be prepared?
will i be survived?
will somebody lighten me up and decreasing all this coming up pressures and tensions around me?

Oh well! i don't know, if u think i'm talking about a man for me, i'm not really talkin about that.. somehow i felt those silly hopes about finding the right guy is starting to fade away.. i don't think there are any capable man for me. i'm not lookin for soulmate anymore. i'm learning to control myself from hating any guy around me. i just don't think i believe in love anymore. no one can prove me that 'bullshit thing called love' is still exist in this pathetic world. now i'm preparing myself to be independent for the rest of my life. i don't wanna dream, i don't wanna hope, no. not for this bullshit. i'm just tryin to be more realistic.

W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R.

I just wanna go living my life without dreaming or that someday i will depend my life on some guy.
what?
u think i'm pathetic?
u think i'm short-minded?
crazy thoughts?

Well, w.h.a.t.e.v.e.r. i don't care what people say. i don't care what people think. i've been thinking about this soo many times. i'm done with all the hoping and dreaming thing. can't find what's wrong with me, can't find what's wrong with the world. i'm done with wondering 'why he can love her so well? why can't i get one too?' well, let's get realistic. if i'm not that type of lovable woman, then i'm okay with that. i'm used to live by myself, without a man that guiding my heart. i'm soo used to that. then, what would make it be any harder? :9

I didn't say that i'm ready enuff for living a life like this, well, since i'm used to hoping and dreamingg.. it's killin me sometimes when i remember that i will spending the rest of my life without the 'special guy' in my life. BUT, i really really HAVE TO be ready for this. so far, i didn't believe that there are somebody who's not perfect enough to be perfect for me. at least, not right now. or ever.

I'm starting to protecting my heart more and more. for now on, this heart is still fragile. but i know, i have to be strong. strong enuff to be independent for the following years.. sometimes i get sick of couple around me. especially the ones that seems won't last forever. i feel sorry for them. no offense, really. but i'm not interested. i'm still learning to control that crazy minds.
Sometimes i hate that i have soo much feelings in my heart and mind. i wanna be less care. about anything that related to feelings. i envy men. they use their feeling less. we, women, usually think with our heart, not our brain. sometimes i really hate that. if i were a boy, i won't have those crazy feelings that killin me time to time.

:D

jyahahaaa.. but i'm grateful enuff that i was born a woman. never regret any of those God's gift. it's just, normally, women will depend their life on men. and i don't think i could be that normal. sooo, i have to prepare myself better to be survived. yeah! yeah! wish me luck eeeeeevvvrybodyyy..... :)

Don't know why........ Oh! i know, i'm no extraordinaire woman!

Well, living your life all alone in the city that u barely know with no lover and not so many friends u've known for long years sometimes kinda desperating.. usually i need to be alone and cry quite much. but now, i don't wanna. don't know why i didn't come....




i need to scream. scrrrreeeeaaaammmmming instead of crying.





Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone

i'm soo feeling norah jones right now. it's funny cos usually i get annoyed by her song. no offense, but i think her songs are sooo mellow. i didn't usually like it. but now, once again, i don't know why i didn't come...

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

i wanna get thru all this, like, in a snap! but. heyy! i still have three and a half years remaining... that's quite a loooong time, u know, if this situation doesn't change.

i need a change. maybe not 'a'. maybe i need soo much changes in my life.. or else i won't survive in this mean mean -- but pretty stand still -- world. i need to have some points in my life. i realize happiness won't come to me. i can never have good times if i don't try to make it happen. i have to make happiness happen to me. since i'm no extraordinary woman. i'm just a regular girl who thinks that she is special and worth enough to be happy.


















no no no,, i ain't no extraordinaire....

there are many woman i know in my life that can get everything they want without even have to try soo hard to get it. chances happen to them just like blinking your eyes. i hate to accept this reality, but i know that i'm not the kind of woman that blessed with so much good things so she can just go ahead and enjoy that compliments from God. i still have to work things out. so far, there's not so much i can do.

is destiny limiting me from being 'up and out'?
huff. i wanna be a woman with no boundary.
i SHOULD BE a woman with no boundary.
i have to work on this. i know, i have to work on this.

no no no, don't cry no more sweetheart, just scream as loud as you can, and believe, you deserve all that too.. you'll get those chances. it's just, you reeally have to be smart and sneaky, oh, and brilliant! oh dear, you have to have PERFECT inside to cover your 'outside ordinaire' ..

i hate to be perfect. i don't believe in perfectness. i used to be a perfectionist woman. but in some ways i know it kills me. bcos usually nobody giving much appreciate of it. of the perfectness. people now, majority, DON'T appraise perfectness. so, why busy being perfect?

people might worship 'outside' perfectness, but perfect in the inside, who cares?

if the quote above is the fact that happens nowadays, and people no longer have hearts or healthy mind, and this world really is getting mean and meaner everyday.. dear God, what i have to be survived? T.T

i don't have that outside faaabulous look. and i still have to work on my personality to be better and better. am i left behind? or is it just me that not aware yet?

You are so SMALL to me.

humm.. have you ever being rejected by a person that actually has 'nothing' -- not anything -- with you? i mean we're JUST a close friend. and he was like randomly sayin some rejection words to me. and i didn't even say anything that possibly make him say that.

HA. HA. what's your point mr. BIG HEAD?
feel like u made my heart fly away and i was like totally have a crush on you? do you think i have butterflies in my stomach when i'm with you? do you really really think that my heart beats faster when you're around me? :D
well, IN YOUR DREAM! it's JUST your imagination, little man.
in my bahasa, it sounds: "PEDE BANGET LO!"




hahaa..
yeah little man. u look so small in my eyes now.



i mean, you've gotta be kidding me! ha. ha. ha. that's totally amusing. -.-'

i actually feel like i have never ever show something that potentially make me look i'm-oh-so-in-love-with-you.. well, at least as long as i still have my head up here and my feet up in the ground. du-uhh!!
then you say that words, and oh my goddamit i am soo totally can't accept it!! damn i'm angry. that's unacceptable. men, where is my pride?? shit.
yeayeayeahhss i might probably have my heart crashed and broken IF and ONLY IF i AM in love with you. or at least have a crush on you.

as a matter of fact, I AM NOT.
can't get it clear enuff?
I HAVE NEVER EVER THINK THERE ARE SOMETHING BETWEEN US.
except that u're a friend.

FRIEND.
is that sounds like 'lover' to you? yes? then go fix your brain. so it could interprete anything clearer.
i mean, can't a girl have a man bestfriend? it's not that i have orientation to get a boyfriend all the time everytime i get close with a guy. i know where to put myself in. I'M NOT AN IDIOT. i'm not a fairytale-mind lady. i open my eyes widely. i know u have no crush on me. i know u don't love me that way. so i only react. and me, amandita parameswari, is a woman that will only love a guy that love her in the way that she like. and i know u're not one of that guy.

u even gave me the song that in my interpretation means u're wasting some time with me. then don't! i don't care.
and, and, and, based on my experiences, my basic instict made me 'go for it' when i have a crush on someone. especially when he is someone that's not 'out of my reach'. i'm not a woman that like someone, sit down, 'ce-ce-pe' a little, and pray. or even hide everytime he coming towards. that's not me. at least i tried to let him know. *might be in kinky ways.. xp* i want him to notice me. the point is, i know what i'm doing.
and also, my besties would know about this!

IF you think i had a crush on you in the first place, maybe because that's just me. pardon me who's just tryin to be a nice person to a FRIEND. and a cool person to hang out and spend some time with.
this all is a big joke. u ONLY make u so small to me. yeah you, little man.
yes u're still a friend to me. i'm no bitchy lady. a friend but with less respect. it's all because of your big head. and big head is a metaphor. hehe. peace man! =D

About finding mr. Right...

Sometimes, some things are better written with the language u've known for ur whole life.
this is one of my deepest thought in bahasa, lately...

Seiring dengan berjalan nya waktu, bertambahnya usia, bertambah pula masalah yang muncul dalam hidupku. disana konflik, disini konflik. kepala ini mungkin saja pecah karena tak sanggup menampung semuanya. banyak hal yang belum aku raih dalam hidupku. aku belum menemukan seorang belahan jiwa yang bisa mendampingiku disaat-saat bahagia maupun saat saat sulit. itu adalah salah satunya. dan hal itu sedikit banyak terkadang sering mengoyakkan sedikit untaian dalam jiwa ini. kurasakan ada sesuatu yang menghilang. belum komplit. belum dimulai apalagi diakhiri. jiwa ini masih kesepian. tidak selayaknya insan hawa yang jiwanya terpenuhi dengan adanya seorang adam disisinya. aku sendiri. sepi. kosong. tak ada yang memenuhi.

Namun dengan berbagai prahara yang muncul di sekitarku, kadang aku meragukan akan waktu. terkadang aku ingin waktu cepat-cepat membawaku ke masa dimana aku menemukan adam-ku. namun kini, entah. tiba-tiba aku ingin menghapus semua asa itu. aku tidak ingin apapun sekarang. aku muak mencari adam. seorang adam yang aku dambakan tak lain hanyalah seorang lelaki sejati, yang mempunyai hati. aku lelah mendengar keluhan berbagai hawa disekitarku, yang tidak memperoleh perlakuan yang selayaknya patut ia dapatkan dari adam-nya. aku jadi tidak ingin terburu-buru. aku jadi ingin ekstra hati-hati dalam memilih seorang adam yang PANTAS bersanding disisiku. bukan sembarang adam. tak sudi aku.

Aku tidak ingin menghabiskan masa muda dan masa tuaku dengan segala keluhan tentang sang adam, ataupun hidup dibawah siksaan nya. raga, terlebih jiwa. hatiku terlalu bernilai untuk dikoyak dan diporak-porandakan oleh sang adam. aku adalah wanita yang terlalu berharga untuk menerima segala perlakuan tak pantas dari sang adam, baik jiwa maupun ragaku. kini aku melihat seorang adam dari bagaimana sifatnya, apakah sifat itu dapat membawaku ke dalam lubang penyiksaan di kemudian hari? betapapun segala yang dimilikinya melebihi seluruh emas di muka bumi, ketampanannya melebihi nabi Yusuf sekalipun, otaknya bagaikan berlian yang diasah tiada henti, namun bagiku dia sama sekali bukan lelaki jika ia tidak tahu bagaimana cara memperlakukan wanita.

Aku ingin hidup di masa nanti dengan perasaan damai dan disayangi. karena aku dapat dengan mudah menyayangi dan mencintai seseorang. namun alangkah teruknya jika kasih sayang itu berakhir dengan penderitaan. setiap orang bisa berubah, aku tahu itu. aku bukanlah wanita munafik yang tidak menyadari segala tetek bengek dunia yang begitu kejam dan pahit bahkan hanya untuk diketahui. namun yang kutahu setiap orang terus dan terus mencari apa yang terbaik bagi dirinya. aku pun sadar betul bahwa kita tak bisa terus mencari apa yang luar biasa sempurna untuk diri kita sendiri. namun aku tidak ingin gegabah dalam memilih, karena apa yang telah aku putuskan untuk kupilih dan kupastikan itu akan menjadi sesuatu yang sakral untuk aku jaga selamanya. untuk kuberikan kasih sayang yang seakan tiada akhir. semampu raga segenap jiwa.

Dan alangkah beruntungnya lelaki itu dan betapa mulia-nya ia jika ia tahu diri untuk memegang teguh janjinya dalam segala hal dan situasi apapun untuk tetap memperlakukan aku sebagai wanita dengan sepantasnya. jika aku perlu disiksa, siksalah aku karena aku bertindak membangkang kepadamu. jika aku perlu dihajar, hajarlah aku karena berbuat tidak pantas kepadamu. namun jangan sekali-sekali engkau siksa aku karena egois dan congkakmu. aku telah tunduk kepadamu. jangan berani membuat fisik dan batinku terluka. hanya karena harga dirimu. hanya karena ego mu. hanya karena nafsu ataupun birahimu.

Karena aku tidak mampu berbuat apa-apa. aku tidak akan sampai hati menyakitimu. aku tidak akan bisa hidup jika memikirkanmu berjuang bertahan hidup seorang diri. meskipun segala yang menjadi prinsipku itu tidak mungkin dapat kau lakukan untukku. aku akan terus berjuang untuk bertahan disisimu, karena engkau adalah pilihanku. engkau tempatku berlindung. engkau pernah memberikan naungan batin dan fisik kepadaku. dan aku bisa disiksa di neraka jika aku melawanmu.

Aku hanya bisa berdoa kepada Illahi, berikan aku seseorang yang jauh dari sempurna untuk menjadi jodoh sempurnaku. seorang lelaki SEJATI. lelaki yang sejati memang tidak pernah sempurna. namun ia tahu bagaimana menjadi yang terbaik untuk sang wanita dalam segala keadaan.

Dan aku, akan menunggunya, dengan sangat sabar.

(amandita. 12 Januari 2009. 00:51)

... can they?

hey! this is my very first post in the year 2009.. yay!

haha,, at the end of 2008, i learnt something :

--> men can't keep their words <--

well, i don't know many guys and yes i've heard about that theory thousand times from my bestfriends,, but hey! those words really are true.. yes, they could make u high and put smile on your face for a while, promising u this and that,, but apparently those are only sweet words! can they keep it? nope.

well,, basically, i don't claim, need, hope, or want anything from him, truly.

but hey, u have promised me something! can you at least keep your words? if u don't think u can fulfill ur promise, why bother promising me something? such a waste..
be a man! or don't. yeah, cos maybe that's men's natural instinct,, not to keep their words.. promising bullshit(s) to every woman.. it might be something they're actually good at.. i don't know.

na-a-aahh, nope. i won't trust a guy or their promises whatsoever anymore..

not for today, not for tomorrow..

maybe until there comes the right guy, PROVING me that the theory isn't always true, CONVINCE me that there's still a guy left in this world who can keep his word..

i'll be GLAD waiting someone like that. i don't mind waiting. honestly.

seriously.

Facing 2009...

hmmm...

suddenly there are a lotta things going on my mind facing this year 2009..

i don't know is it only syndrome at the end of the year or whatsoever..

suddenly i had this flashback.. what i've done this year, what i haven't done... somehow i actually sad, maybe many things still didn't work out the way i hope this year's gonna be.. maybe i just realize that i'm not gonna spend nu years eve with my family.. especially my dad, or my mom, or my sister, or three of them.. T.T

this year, this lovely 2008, there are a lot of things to be regret, and there are much more things to be thank.. especially the big thing that happen to me recently, which is surely stay in my memory for the rest of my life..

that big thing makes this 2008 become a memorable year..

i don't know, but i guess the thing that makes me sad is that i'll pass my nu year's eve with my family... x( well, not last year, not even this year.. humm.. i chose to be with my friends this year.. i never do this before, but hey, a girl needs to grownup and realize, there are first times for everything.. and i pick this year to do it..

i'm afraid, that next year, 2009, things aren't the same anymore.. things gonna be a whole lot different from now.. i have this kinda feeling and it tortures my mind now.. why i become afraid of changes? i knew things change, people change, things gonna be different from time to time, and changes are good sometimes.. but.. now i'm scared to all of it?

of course i've been changing too.. from year to year; time, people, environment, they keep forcing me to change.. either in a good way, or maybe not a really good one..

i have this weird feeling that 2009 gonna be a hard year for me.. that's why now i even more afraid of changes..

dear God, i'm so afraid i might even cry, real hard..

Lord, i've been living 19 years, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY LIFE?

am i keep gettin better and better? am i thankful enough to my Lord? am i doing many pleasant things to the ones i loved? am i always choosing what's best for me?

i don't know and i'm not sure.. cos like i said life is a mystery...

we're only human, like what jason mraz sing..

all that we can do is try to live our life as best as we can do...

WHAT?! they're back??

amandita u are pathetic!!

uoooohhh...

*slap my face* :'3







why this butterflies keep rolling on my stomach
when i do this 'thingy' even the crush had been soo soo over years ago??





back then at some (secretly) years ago,, i did this in a very2 awkward way, the butterflies surely come out my stomach uncontrollably,, and i surely do realize that crush had been totally over years ago.. now.. the fact is..? they're back in action! ahhaha..

syid ya men.. T.T

umm,, but real-axe, i guess they only come out at this particular time only.. don't worry.. xp

humm.. enuff is enuff!

then i remember,, a bestfriend once said to me,, that a feeling for someone, or loving someone, or care about someone,, is a gift from the lord...

. . .

is that true?

well,, i'm a lil bit confused actually,, is it really something that will only come up when the lord 'let you' loving someone? isn't that something that can be work out by human control? isn't all that is about choice? if it really is, that loving someone is a gift, then our choice is always something that indirectly given or destined by the lord... (?)

mmm, i believe someday will come my time to understand this all.. =)

Thankfulness

(it supposed to be published exactly a month ago.. but oh well, here it is... )

yo!

it's actually something that i wanna write couple days after my BIG day,, but i dunno,, can't find the right words yet,, or maybe the place that inspire me a lot to write is in my kost.. since i spent most of my 'deep-feelings-time' there,, and since i just came back to this 'back-to-reality' city,, so i write it just now. wohohoo.. i think i'm much more productive in creating something--aanything-- in this place.. haha,, feels like now i'm belong here (when it comes to must-face-reality) hehehe..

enuff babbling!

well,, as you can see in this big big smile...

i survived!!

all the things that bothered me these days have finally over...

wanna know how it feels?

sweet, as i said before..
it even tastes much much more sweeter than what i thought..
i can't believe i've been through it all..
i'm so thankful to Allah, and i never feel like i thank enough to all of this gift.
haven't satisfied being thankful yet,, cos it all feels like miracle! i'm lucky, i'm gifted, and i'm blessed.

lucky,, cos this is something that everybody would say it's almost impossible! i had this tumor for all my life, and it was being recognized 3 months ago! it was quickly handled by my father and of course the professional doctors so it could be taken care by a 'God-handed' doctor from Japan, prof. Nakamura.. he did a perfect job in a perfect timing and situation. how can i not be thankful? =)

gifted,, cos i feel the love of people around me. my precious parents,, who fought this with all of their body and mind.. their prayer, mind, feelings, money, all wasted with no doubt in the name of love, deep inside from their heart, for me... dear inyok and babe, i love you... =) my beloved bestfriends,, who helped me a lot when i was facing and getting through all of this,, they cheer me up, encourage me, pray with me, whatever a friend can do they could do too.. the wonderful doctors,, i believe they did the best that they could do even it wasted their time, power and money.. my big family,, either sister, grandma, uncles, aunties, cousins etc, for all their support and prayer that indirectly but surely lead my way of succesfully through this.. and i knew i'm so thankful, cos now i know how does it feel being loved unselfishly, never expect any changes, and fully from the bottom of the heart.

blessed,, bcos i could face this 'test' with a big smile in my face, i was calm, tawakkal, and ready for almost everything at that time.. i feel no pain, no scared, and everything that i expected definitely come true. i even left the hospital with so so much thankful feelings in my heart, and it does taste sweet. reeally really sweet.

me and the main part of the saviors

me and prof. Nakamura

(me and the smile of me-JUST-got-out-from-the-ICU-room! hahha.. never have smiled that BIG!)

and since it exactly a month passed, and i feel completely healthy, happy, still thankful, hopeful and continuing my life with a big passion in my heart. hope everything goes perfectly fine every now and then, and i should never be tired to be thankful to my lord for all my life... ;)

the BIG day that i'm gonna HAVE to face . . .

meong!
i think i'm gonna have to write something here before the big day..

yea, a BIG day for me.. =s

well,, it's not really that kind of big happy happy big day actually..
maybe it's the destiny that i'm gonna HAVE to face..
yea,, i'm havin surgery this week.

shit!
i even haaaate to get involved with that S word.. =(
either sayin it or writin it,, or translate it into bahasa..
yea, whateverr it's the same..
uhhh...
it's definitely a BIG deal for me,, bcos since the day i was born, i was never ever ever everr get involved with that place againn.. hospital i mean.. and it was already how long? 19 years long. =/


since i had all the pra-"s"hitty thing treatment,, i never liked it..
in fact i hate it..
just lyin there and hang on when nothing u can ever do without anybody's help is a BIG pain in the ass. i feel weak. i feel tiny. i have no power.
and no no noo i never liked bein' weak. feels like suicide men..
it totally breaks my heart.

i'm kinda person that tend to like to help people, not being helped.
that's why.
maybe we're sorta talkin bout ego here.. =\

well, this shitty thing is actually not something that i like to share with others,, bcos i am down enuff with the fact that i have a tumor intraorbital, and i don't need anybody's symphathy to make me feel worst.
i hate being weak in front of people. i hate bein unnormal between everybody who's seems to enjoy their fabulous life..

i know this is my destiny that i have to face, sooner or later,, bcos in fact it was genetic,, not something that show up in a mean time..
i really am tryin my best here,, i try and try to stand up and hang in there,, i know i'm gonna be strong..
a month ago, i thought i was gonna be ready to face all of this,, but, i dunno.. now i feel that i will only be ready when the time is forcing me to. i stay hope and pray, pray and pray and pray..




this is ha-a-arrdd u know..
life is hard..




and the thing that keeps me optimistic is, that i have a faith that all of this, is gonna be worth it. it will be worth to all the gift, that Allah will give to me, after i pass this.. sooner or maybe later..
well, somehow u have to sacrifice more to get more, rite? it's nature law..
even if u fail to struggle in this mean mean world, the lord will always be fair. it means that ur gift, isn't available in this world, a lovely wonderful precious gift is already waiting for u in the paradise.. Allah's heaven..
sometimes all the faith that i have makes me calm, and strong. i know justice is always exists. it's all fair and all u've been sacrificed is gonna be worth it.

uhh,, but in this kinda moment, sometimes i don't know how to be strong. cos deep inside i feel all the weaknesses is on me.
people's symphaty doesn't help. i know it will never helped. it will only makin' me going down down down..
well,, let's just say that i'm gonna have to face it. there's no turning back,, and only one thing that could save me from all of this. my lord's help.. =)





whatever is going to happen to me, will be sweet. cos i've been bleeding, inside and out and everywhere..
yeah, i believe.